"Golfing looks like a relaxing sport" - I said to myself

"Golfing looks like a relaxing sport" - I said to myself  

As I viewed golfing from afar, I would see people riding carts, smiling, and carrying on conversations as they played. Even those walking with their clubs on their back seemed easy going as they strolled along at a nice pace, chatting with each other. They always looked so relaxed. 

I decided to try this relaxed looking sport. Here is a bit about that experience. 

I stood on the T-box in my golf outfit, holding the biggest club in my bag, anxious to smack that ball and watch it fly (as I saw the woman before me just do effortlessly).  I put my cute little martini tee in the ground, clean white ball on the tee. Okay ready to hit, what do I need to do? As the instructions started flying, I could feel the relaxation I had anticipated, leaving my body. 

Hold the club this way in my hands (why is it don't I have a glove on both hands?) don't grip too tight, keep my wrists straight to keep from flopping, my head from looking up and my eyes on the ball the entire time (Can I hit now?). Not yet, place my feet shoulder width apart, and for this shot, the ball should be off the inside of my front heel (wait, what? just for this shot?). My knees slightly bent, extend my arms and place the club directly behind the ball (shoot I just bumped the ball off the tee, bend over, put it back on the tee, reset my set-up). Make sure my club face is square, not closed, not open. (how does one square their club face?) Take a full swing, but remember to drag the club back slowly, using my power as I come back through (shoot my grip is starting to get tighter as I anticipate that power, remember relax my grip). One last thing, make sure I keep my body balanced and moving forward through the swing, so as to not fall back. (Q: Did the woman I just watched, do all of these things in those few seconds before she hit the ball?)  

This was only the my first shot off of the first hole, out of 18, I was the opposite of relaxed at this point. As I made my way through each hole, I quickly learned that each club had it's own purpose and forgetting even one of the several dozen things in the set up for that club, ended in the ball going too short, too long, skipping along the ground vs going in the air, out of bounds or in the water. By hole 13, I was almost out of balls and both physically and mentally exhausted! PS: who made the rule you can only use your Tee when teeing off? 

Forget the thought of ever walking and carrying that bag, I was barely hanging on riding in the cart! By hole 18, I had gotten in and out of the cart, set up to swing the club, then actually hit the ball, 100+ times. That effort does not include the practice swings I took before those shots (note, do not waist your good swings on practicing, just hit the darn ball), my whiffs, or something called a mulligan that I was given when I messed up really bad. As getting the ball to the green is not hard enough, let's not even talk about digging that ball out of a sand trap, only to have it roll right back down to my feet after I hit it. Relaxing is not the word I was using any longer. Lesson learned. 

Fast forward to today: While I will always have to think about some part of my set up, as I have gotten better the game has become more relaxing. Now I take less swings as my score improves. I have found exhilaration in that one rare shot I hit that the minute it comes off my club, I know I hit it perfect and I feel like a real golfer. As I have gotten better, I have found more of those moments. I also use little tricks to overcome some of the stressful moments. For example, some days one of my clubs may be so worthless at hitting the ball, I put in my bag and do not let it back out for several holes, until it decides to behave. Some days my ball refuses to go where I want it to go, so I switch to another brand of ball that is willing to go in the direction I aim. Unfortunately I only have one putter, that I cannot banish to my bag, as it is needed every hole. For me they have named the club perfectly for it's ability to putter my ball around the entire hole but never in it.  

Golfing looks like a relaxing sport - said no one ever!

Regardless of the risks

As I hear and read all the conflicting political views on gun control and building a wall, I can't help but reflect on the recent events of my family, where my daughter's husband, Antonio crossed the boarder illegally in his youth for a better life. As of March 1st, he has completed the long and costly process of becoming a legal resident, so I feel comfortable to share a bit about the other side of these moments we talk about and the reality we need to face.

I wonder, would a wall have kept Antonio out or would he have found another way? Regardless of the obstacles I have always had the opinion that whether for good intent or bad, those who want something bad enough will make it happen. Yes, will it deter the faint of heart, for sure. However, those are not the ones that impact the world for the good or the bad, it is the ones who will fight with everything they have to find a way. Those will be the ones who continue to create good or cause harm just as they have for hundreds of years.

Having never been in Antonio's shoes back then, I can only share what I know of him now. I am not surprised  that in all other situations he has obeyed the law, that he had the willingness to risk his life to cross the desert for days with nothing more than the contents he could fit in a backpack to start a new life. He has a determination about him of someone that has known what it's like to have had to fight for everything you have and to risk everything.  To do things in spite of his fears. Yet he is humble, gentle, kind, committed to those he loves and would do anything for you if you needed help. While yes, he crossed illegally, he is not someone who has caused harm. Once he arrived, he played by the rules. He got a driver's license legally in a state that does not require SSN, had insurance on both his car and his painting business, which he started with a tax ID and paid taxes each year as an illegal resident (yes they do accept taxes from illegal immigrants).
 
He married my daughter 4 years ago and they now have a 3 1/2 year old and 6 month old. This perfect little family where he is a wonderful father and an amazing husband to my daughter is the result of a man crossing over illegally because he could not afford the cost of the process to come legally. His willingness to cross regardless of the risks not only made his dreams happen, but now my daughters as well. Right or wrong that is a great story of someone who crosses.

These are not the stories anyone speaks of because it is easier to push our political views by sharing all the harm that has come to us from the few (but very publicized) who have used crossing the boarder or purchased weapons in order to harm others.

The reality is as I mentioned above that Regardless of the risks, roadblocks, rules, walls, people will find a way if they want it bad enough, no matter what we try to put in place to prevent it. Building walls and stronger gun control will yes deter the faint of heart, they will not deter the committed, the ones who are willing to take the risk to make it happen, whether that be for a better way of life like Antonio who is a good person and has hurt no one or someone who is driven by hate and intents to harm/kill others like the ones who are so well publicized. That is what we need to consider when creating better immigration and gun laws.

In closing I would like to share an analogy and make it more personal and hopefully open your eyes to realize that we all take risks regardless of right or wrong...texting while driving, speeding, and drunk driving are all also illegal in this country and done regardless of the risks or laws against it. These acts do more harm in America to our own country men/women/children every day than those who do harm by crossing a boarder or purchasing a gun. Yet Regardless of the risks and knowing it's illegal, it's done by good people everyday in our country, and yes, by the very same people who judge men like Antonio who has never put any life at risk other than his own.

Something to think about. 

debra

Fear he is a Liar

Zach Williams sings,  Fear he is a Liar. As I listened to the lyrics I thought how true these words are that he shares (lyrics below). At first I thought he was singing about a man to a woman/woman to a man, what a wonderful play on words. Fears can have us doubting ourselves, our relationships and our faith. Fear causes us to become defensive, shut down, or lash out at someone we love. Fear keeps us in the past instead of moving forward. It closes our ears and shuts our eyes to the truth of who we really are or have the potential to be. Fear is that voice inside us that whispers to us the impossibilities, the dangers, the challenges, the reasons of why we can't, we shouldn't, or we aren't able to.

If we lived as if fear was a liar and believed we were good enough, strong enough, that people love us just as we are, how would that change how we live our lives? If fear were a liar, would we take more chances, be braver, less critical of ourselves? Our faith says to trust Him in all things, yet so often we are held captive by the liar. Fear is liar, cast your fears in the fire. 

when he told you you're not good enough

when he told you you're not right

when he told you you're not strong enough to put up a good fight

when he told you your not worthy, when he told you your not loved

when he told you your not beautiful, you'll never be enough

fear he is a liar

he will take your breath, stop you in your steps, 

fear he is a liar

he will rob your rest, steal your happiness

cast your fear, in the fire, cause fear he is a liar 

when he told you you were troubled, you will forever be alone, 

when he told you you should run away, you'll never find a home, 

when he told you you are dirty, you should be ashamed. 

when he told you you could be the one that grace could never change

fear he is a liar

he will take your breath, stop you in your steps, 

fear he is a liar

he will rob your rest, steal your happiness

cast your fear in the fire, cause fear he is a liar 

let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears

let Your fire fall your love is all i feel 

let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears

let Your fire fall you love is all i feel

love, debra

Would you rather...

Would you rather...have quality time with someone or a quantity of time?

I am asking the question because I have found too many people are focused on the wrong thing when it comes to relationships. Specifically when it comes to quantity of time spent with someone verses quality time spent with them. Having found my plus one late in life maybe I have a different view on what a great relationship focuses on because we make every moment count even though they are fewer. This can relate to you whether you are a partner, parent or friend.

Does being with someone 24/7 mean you have a strong relationship? Does not being with them for long periods of time mean you have a weak relationship? I would like to think that it is more about the quality of time you spend with the amount of time you have with each other that would be the priority. However if not, then I would choose to spend quality time over quantity, every time.

For example, would you rather have a small piece of your favorite dessert in the world, or a whole piece of one you like less? Most of us would say, if I can't have a whole piece of my favorite dessert I will settle for a smaller piece rather than a whole of one I like less. The same with relationships. In secure relationships people would choose to have less moments of quality time together over more moments of mediocre time.

Also does less time together promote the urgency for quality time because you know your time is limited? Does having more time together promote less quality time because you procrastinate on making quality time? Not always is this the case in either situation, but more often than not is my thought.

So whether you are with that partner, friend or child make your moments count. My parents would see my children maybe twice a year but the relationship they have with them is as close as some who got to see them everyday.

Don't focus on the time you don't have with them, rather make the moments you do have with them count. It is the quality moments they will remember and that will bring you closer and keep you close.

Persistence - it's not always about holding on

“The most essential factor is persistence – the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitable come. – James Whitcomb Riley

I love this quote but wanted to share with you my thoughts as someone who went out into the world blindly believing life to be one thing and realizing along the way that while it was nothing I expected, it became everything I needed…including a great adventure. (disclaimer: if you don’t allow an unexpected life to dampen your spirit)

The reality is that life, other people and even you yourself will at some point not live up to your expectations. So understanding that it is how we handle ourselves when things don’t go as planned or well that we show to the world and more importantly ourselves who and what we are made of. Here is something I have discovered over time that might help you understand what I mean.

The word Persistence or perseverance is often used by people to mean you need to be strong enough to hold on no matter what! To me true persistence means not only knowing when you need to be strong enough to hold on and keep fighting for that thing, persistence means also knowing that sometimes in life’s journey we need to be strong enough to know when to let go. To let go in order to remain persistent in our commitment to our faith, our self worth, our values, our character, our goals, our dreams for happiness, and the quality of life we deserve.

I can’t say if we follow that plan tears won’t fall, your heart won’t be broken, that life will be easy, and the answers always clear. I can tell you it is from these life moments that are the most challenging and uncertain that you will look back on and know they were the moments that were even more impactful than the great ones. These are the moments along the way that will shape your life, make you stronger, wiser, and eventually into the woman you were meant to be.

So as you embark on this next phase of your life never lose your energy or enthusiasm nor allow anyone to take them away from you. Remain determined in your persistence for the things that are important to you as well as for you. 

- written today for my niece Sarah who is graduating high school this year.  

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself.

"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be, will end up good; what is not, won't. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you must just move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. Always fight, until you can't anymore, and then be fought for."

Wow I wish I could give credit to who ever wrote that. This is something I need to staple to my soul! How is it when we are in the middle of the relationship we never see these incites? I know I have hung on too long, been the only one fighting, and the one hoping futility they would fight for me when when i finally gave up.  I also know now looking back at those relationships i can see why they were not meant to be for a variety of reasons. The question i have is, how do you know when you have fought long enough or hard enough? for me i always think saying this one more thing will have that light bulb turning on in their head or heart and they will suddenly see our potential for greatness together or finally see me as this person they cannot live without. funny now even as i write this i can laugh at myself and say..what was i thinking? And there is the answer...I wasn't thinking, i was feeling, blind to the fact that had it been "good" i would not have been the only one fighting to make it work.

How much easier would it be to move on if we could adopt sooner in the relationship the attitude of  "what was meant to be, will end up good; what is not, won't". I mean some of us out there stay even when the relationship becomes verbally or physically abusive and that is surely a "won't end up good" situation. Is there a way to separate our thinking heart from our feeling heart to see sooner what will end up good and what will not? i think as we have more relationships under out belt and narrow our playing field we can. But there is always that heart factor that can throw the best laid plans out the window.

So how do we stay committed to ourselves, fight for what we want, but know when we have reached our capacity to give more? I think for me, i most often have hung on too long, but that said, I can look back at every relationship and remember the exact moment that i knew i was done fighting and had given all that i was willing to give. I could walk away with no regrets...

I know for each of us there is someone out there that will see the greatness we can have with them in a relationship and fight for us. The challenge is, we always want it now....so mister right now becomes our project to make the right one. This is the cycle we need to stop and why we need to start being stronger for our selves!!!

Has it really been 2 years since i posted?

Wow, so much has happened since my last post. They always say everything comes full circle and when I last posted both girls were leaving to pursue their own lives outside of MN. As I write this both my babies are back home in Minneapolis. Amanda now lives in Minneapolis as a school teacher and she is now 25 (where has time gone) and Sammi who is now 19 is a sophomore is only 6 hours away at DePaul in Chicago and currently home for her 6 week break.
As far as me and my search for true love...I have still not found love but not for lack of trying...I think that will be my next post...
title: How many times do we put ourselves out there before we give up? Answer to follow!