Regardless of the risks

As I hear and read all the conflicting political views on gun control and building a wall, I can't help but reflect on the recent events of my family, where my daughter's husband, Antonio crossed the boarder illegally in his youth for a better life. As of March 1st, he has completed the long and costly process of becoming a legal resident, so I feel comfortable to share a bit about the other side of these moments we talk about and the reality we need to face.

I wonder, would a wall have kept Antonio out or would he have found another way? Regardless of the obstacles I have always had the opinion that whether for good intent or bad, those who want something bad enough will make it happen. Yes, will it deter the faint of heart, for sure. However, those are not the ones that impact the world for the good or the bad, it is the ones who will fight with everything they have to find a way. Those will be the ones who continue to create good or cause harm just as they have for hundreds of years.

Having never been in Antonio's shoes back then, I can only share what I know of him now. I am not surprised  that in all other situations he has obeyed the law, that he had the willingness to risk his life to cross the desert for days with nothing more than the contents he could fit in a backpack to start a new life. He has a determination about him of someone that has known what it's like to have had to fight for everything you have and to risk everything.  To do things in spite of his fears. Yet he is humble, gentle, kind, committed to those he loves and would do anything for you if you needed help. While yes, he crossed illegally, he is not someone who has caused harm. Once he arrived, he played by the rules. He got a driver's license legally in a state that does not require SSN, had insurance on both his car and his painting business, which he started with a tax ID and paid taxes each year as an illegal resident (yes they do accept taxes from illegal immigrants).
 
He married my daughter 4 years ago and they now have a 3 1/2 year old and 6 month old. This perfect little family where he is a wonderful father and an amazing husband to my daughter is the result of a man crossing over illegally because he could not afford the cost of the process to come legally. His willingness to cross regardless of the risks not only made his dreams happen, but now my daughters as well. Right or wrong that is a great story of someone who crosses.

These are not the stories anyone speaks of because it is easier to push our political views by sharing all the harm that has come to us from the few (but very publicized) who have used crossing the boarder or purchased weapons in order to harm others.

The reality is as I mentioned above that Regardless of the risks, roadblocks, rules, walls, people will find a way if they want it bad enough, no matter what we try to put in place to prevent it. Building walls and stronger gun control will yes deter the faint of heart, they will not deter the committed, the ones who are willing to take the risk to make it happen, whether that be for a better way of life like Antonio who is a good person and has hurt no one or someone who is driven by hate and intents to harm/kill others like the ones who are so well publicized. That is what we need to consider when creating better immigration and gun laws.

In closing I would like to share an analogy and make it more personal and hopefully open your eyes to realize that we all take risks regardless of right or wrong...texting while driving, speeding, and drunk driving are all also illegal in this country and done regardless of the risks or laws against it. These acts do more harm in America to our own country men/women/children every day than those who do harm by crossing a boarder or purchasing a gun. Yet Regardless of the risks and knowing it's illegal, it's done by good people everyday in our country, and yes, by the very same people who judge men like Antonio who has never put any life at risk other than his own.

Something to think about. 

debra

Fear he is a Liar

Zach Williams sings,  Fear he is a Liar. As I listened to the lyrics I thought how true these words are that he shares (lyrics below). At first I thought he was singing about a man to a woman/woman to a man, what a wonderful play on words. Fears can have us doubting ourselves, our relationships and our faith. Fear causes us to become defensive, shut down, or lash out at someone we love. Fear keeps us in the past instead of moving forward. It closes our ears and shuts our eyes to the truth of who we really are or have the potential to be. Fear is that voice inside us that whispers to us the impossibilities, the dangers, the challenges, the reasons of why we can't, we shouldn't, or we aren't able to.

If we lived as if fear was a liar and believed we were good enough, strong enough, that people love us just as we are, how would that change how we live our lives? If fear were a liar, would we take more chances, be braver, less critical of ourselves? Our faith says to trust Him in all things, yet so often we are held captive by the liar. Fear is liar, cast your fears in the fire. 

when he told you you're not good enough

when he told you you're not right

when he told you you're not strong enough to put up a good fight

when he told you your not worthy, when he told you your not loved

when he told you your not beautiful, you'll never be enough

fear he is a liar

he will take your breath, stop you in your steps, 

fear he is a liar

he will rob your rest, steal your happiness

cast your fear, in the fire, cause fear he is a liar 

when he told you you were troubled, you will forever be alone, 

when he told you you should run away, you'll never find a home, 

when he told you you are dirty, you should be ashamed. 

when he told you you could be the one that grace could never change

fear he is a liar

he will take your breath, stop you in your steps, 

fear he is a liar

he will rob your rest, steal your happiness

cast your fear in the fire, cause fear he is a liar 

let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears

let Your fire fall your love is all i feel 

let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears

let Your fire fall you love is all i feel

love, debra

He wasn't riding a white horse, he was driving a Buick

"He wasn't riding a white horse, he was driving a Buick" is named because of how I dreamed this person would come into my life and the perfect relationship would be verses how mine really showed up and the relationship actually progressed. 

As it turns out my Prince and I did not lock eyes across the room and fall deeply in love and live happily ever after, we were set up on a blind date (he drove a Buick, which at the time I thought was a minivan, turns out it was an Escalade, but regardless was not a white horse) and neither of us early on were thinking it would amount to much. (how is that for a great start to a love story) It was the opposite of a fairyland start and frankly should have ended many times along the way but i am here to ruin the ending and share that while the start was rocking, the middle was bumpy, there is a Happily Ever After. 

Here is our story. 

Our first date was in a parking garage (too long of a story to go into) our kiss happened on that first date. I was waiting for him in the parking garage where he walked up, said "hello”, leaned in, and kissed me on the lips. (Wait, what the heck, was that our first kiss, that was not romantic.) The date went okay enough for us to make another one for later that week. (he wants to see me again this week, check box) Side note: over the years I had created a check list with boxes of things I wanted in a man, that I would check off as I went.  The next date we went dancing. We fit well together as we danced. (he dances - check box). Later as we were dancing at one point it was slippery, i lost my balance, but instead of tripping/falling, these strong arms picked my feet off the ground and briefly carried me along, keeping me safe until i regained my balance. (okay, I thought this is something new, feeling safe - check box on “feel safe”). He then invited me away for the weekend to his favorite small town up north, promising separate rooms. (I agreed but had my daughter and girlfriends on speed dial). Side note: I should add to this story that I grew up in a Church environment and he grew up over a bar. He liked dive bars, Beer and Burgers, I liked Wine, Sushi and Bars that I could dance Salsa in. While the weekend was filled with dive bars and I was completely out of my comfort zone and should have run, he lived up to his promise of separate rooms. We danced, had an amazing time and I felt very safe and respected. (does what he says he is going to do - check box, so far so good) This sounds like a promising start, right?

So, you don’t get to carried away on the promising start, I should share that on the first date he mentioned he would be leaving in a month to go "write a book and find himself" in Mexico for 4 months. He said he was retiring in 3 years at which time he would then become a snowbird, so if I was not okay with any of that I should let him know right then, otherwise he would like to continue to date me. Ladies you all know in my head what I am thinking right? I am thinking that the Mexico thing is a month away and if all goes well he will fall in love with me and won't want to go to Mexico because he for sure will not want to be away from me. I was also covering my bases if all did not go well and he did go to Mexico, thinking what do I care if he is a snowbird in 3 years, that is a world away and I won't be dating him anyway. 

Let’s continue. The month is now ending, we have not said we are in a relationship, or anywhere near being in love, but we have been together pretty much every day of that month and I am thinking we are building a strong connection. (my walls have been coming down, boxes continuing to get checked off) As we are driving back from another trip up north, he shares with me he will be leaving in a week and will miss me. What? He is still going? (all walls back up to protect myself, thinking of throwing away the check list and moving on) This is where the story normally would have ended.

However, unlike my normal “flight” when a man looks as if he is not running toward me for some reason I didn't fly. Over the next four months we stayed in communication long distance. I found he was a great communicator and we communicated every day. (great communicator - cautiously check another box) He comes home once a month and we hang out during the time he is home and have fantastic time. We are still not in an exclusive relationship, have not shared we love each other but I figure let's wait to see what happens when he gets home, for now I am enjoying the moments we are having.

The four months end, he is home, we continue dating for another 4 months, still not saying we are exclusive or in love. However, we are pretty much seeing each other every day and having a great time, he treats me amazing, makes me laugh and is effortless to be, so it feels as if we are on the same page (have checked many more of my "boxes" and have walls coming down again and I know I am falling for him.) One day he shares he needs to go back down to Mexico for a week.  I decided after 9 months it's time to ask what our relationship is and ask if he intends to see other women while he is down there. I am fully expecting him to say “of course not”. He shares that he can't say he won't and not ready for someone to tell him he can't. (darn it, not what I was expecting. Walls go up, I am going to have to end it). Sadly, I share that I am falling in love with him and if he is still not sure he wants to date only me, then we need to end this, as I am looking for a relationship that is going somewhere. We part ways and I think (like all the other times in my life) at this point, I am going to have to start over. 

He calls me from Mexico a few days later, asking if he can see me the day he gets back. When he returns he shared that he didn't see anyone and had no intention of it, just didn't like getting called out on it. Shared that he is sure that he wants to see only me and that he is also falling in love with me. (here is where the sky in the movies light up with fireworks and they walk into the sunset)

Fast forward 3 years to today. While ours is just the beginning of our love story and continues to get better every day, I want to share that this truly is the relationship I have always dreamed of and that I knew was out there for me. We are happily married for 2 years and while no relationship is perfect, I think we have as perfect as one can get. (PS: if you are wondering what happened to the checked boxes, the only box that did not get checked was the one that said, "he would find me and know right away", and I am okay with that.)

In closing, one of the things I love about Tom is he is understated, while he didn't show up on the white horse, or fall for me right away, he treated me better than those in the past who had professed their love for me. He was always honest with me even though the news was hard to hear, this way I could make the decisions I needed to for me (vs finding out after the fact or being lied to). Even though in the early months he was not committed to me and we were apart, he communicated to me better than someone I was physically with every day. He didn’t over promise but in the end delivered when his timing was right.

So, if you are out there single, never settle or let your standards down because they came in on a white horse and saved “that day”. Look for a man who may come in under the radar who has the qualities you are looking for and starts saving many days. Never believe this is as good as it will get until you have everything you need. The right person will be worth fighting for and will not let you go. How do you know when you have it? When you can honestly say to yourself…this person is everything I needed and more.

Moral of the story…it’s not about the flashy entrance, it’s about the moments after and how they show up to them.   

Would you rather...

Would you rather...have quality time with someone or a quantity of time?

I am asking the question because I have found too many people are focused on the wrong thing when it comes to relationships. Specifically when it comes to quantity of time spent with someone verses quality time spent with them. Having found my plus one late in life maybe I have a different view on what a great relationship focuses on because we make every moment count even though they are fewer. This can relate to you whether you are a partner, parent or friend.

Does being with someone 24/7 mean you have a strong relationship? Does not being with them for long periods of time mean you have a weak relationship? I would like to think that it is more about the quality of time you spend with the amount of time you have with each other that would be the priority. However if not, then I would choose to spend quality time over quantity, every time.

For example, would you rather have a small piece of your favorite dessert in the world, or a whole piece of one you like less? Most of us would say, if I can't have a whole piece of my favorite dessert I will settle for a smaller piece rather than a whole of one I like less. The same with relationships. In secure relationships people would choose to have less moments of quality time together over more moments of mediocre time.

Also does less time together promote the urgency for quality time because you know your time is limited? Does having more time together promote less quality time because you procrastinate on making quality time? Not always is this the case in either situation, but more often than not is my thought.

So whether you are with that partner, friend or child make your moments count. My parents would see my children maybe twice a year but the relationship they have with them is as close as some who got to see them everyday.

Don't focus on the time you don't have with them, rather make the moments you do have with them count. It is the quality moments they will remember and that will bring you closer and keep you close.