Wow, so much has happened since my last post. They always say everything comes full circle and when I last posted both girls were leaving to pursue their own lives outside of MN. As I write this both my babies are back home in Minneapolis. Amanda now lives in Minneapolis as a school teacher and she is now 25 (where has time gone) and Sammi who is now 19 is a sophomore is only 6 hours away at DePaul in Chicago and currently home for her 6 week break.
As far as me and my search for true love...I have still not found love but not for lack of trying...I think that will be my next post...
title: How many times do we put ourselves out there before we give up? Answer to follow!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
What I have learned and loved as a mother...
So this is it, the final year to have both my baby girls home. It is hard to believe that in June Sammi will graduate and be going to college, Amanda will go back to Spain and i will be here officially on my own, by myself, alone, single, an empty Nestor as they say with no body to come home to except my cat Cooper, which I think will make me an old maid.
No one to pick up after, run errands for, watch play soccer, check in on while they are sleeping, cure when they are sick, worry over when they are out late or bring coffee to in the morning to wake them up.
So what have I learned and loved over the years? I learned that while challenging, I loved the rat race, the too much on my plate, the sleepless nights when i wasn't sure how we were going to make it, the scary moments they were sick or would get hurt, the priceless moments the three of us had together laughing until we cried! I loved watching them grow up and enjoyed every stage they went through still can't believe they are grown. In the early years we were the three musketeers, in the middle years we were the three woman of strength and now these final years we are just simply "the girls".
The first thing I learned is...I got lucky with them, because they are the most amazing, independent, strong, beautiful inside and out woman that I know. I also am humbled and proud to tell you that while we as parents are to be the teachers, these ladies in reality over the year were my teachers and I grew up under their direction.
I learned your children can keep you safe and make you a better person. Because they depended on me as their mom, I had guidelines and boundaries for myself I might not otherwise have had if not for them in my life. I was braver because they were watching me and stronger because they depended on me and clearer thinking because the moment called for no other option. They taught me to be resourceful and be both parents in the house, because you can't delegate a harder chore to someone stronger and there was no one to pass off a question to, you are all there is. We learned together that a perfect family can be just the three of us and we were stronger alone than with someone to take care of us. I learned what I felt were some of my most challenging moments supporting them back then have now become some of our favorite memories, so money does not buy happiness, your moments with them do.
I learned that being a mom you don't always have to be perfect, or strong or beautiful or healthy sometimes it's okay to let your girls be there for you. I learned you can mess up sometimes as a mom but it's important to say you are sorry and ask them to forgive you and they will respect you for it. I learned sometimes we need to rethink our opinion as parents when a child provides a sound argument as to why they should have it their way because sometimes they are right.
I rewarded good grades, committed to sports and good friends with both girls having what I called "the world" as their boundaries but let them know if they messed up even once they would have the boundaries drawn in so small it would encompass the circle my thumb and pointer finger would make when touching. Neither girl ever needed the tighter boundaries and I learned it pays to repay a child's effort with freedoms.
I learned as a mother that most parents say "no" too fast just because it is the easier path. In saying YES to simple requests that I wanted to say no too but really couldn't find a good enough reason to...that while it may be more work, more running around, more effort or sleepless nights...they respect you for understanding them and going out of your way (they know when you just "don't feel like it").
I think the most important thing I learned is to respect my girls and always try to assume the best in them...to trust them completely and leave the doubts until they proved to be real. Both girls lived up to my expectations of them.
In closing, I learned that no matter how old they get they will always be your priority, that you will always worry and that their joy doubles your joy and their sadness hurts you more than them. I learned that you can be so proud of them that your heart feels as if it will explode out of your body.
To Amanda and Sammi...my babys, my young ladies. My life. Thank you for making this part of my journey more enjoyable than I could have ever imagined.
No one to pick up after, run errands for, watch play soccer, check in on while they are sleeping, cure when they are sick, worry over when they are out late or bring coffee to in the morning to wake them up.
So what have I learned and loved over the years? I learned that while challenging, I loved the rat race, the too much on my plate, the sleepless nights when i wasn't sure how we were going to make it, the scary moments they were sick or would get hurt, the priceless moments the three of us had together laughing until we cried! I loved watching them grow up and enjoyed every stage they went through still can't believe they are grown. In the early years we were the three musketeers, in the middle years we were the three woman of strength and now these final years we are just simply "the girls".
The first thing I learned is...I got lucky with them, because they are the most amazing, independent, strong, beautiful inside and out woman that I know. I also am humbled and proud to tell you that while we as parents are to be the teachers, these ladies in reality over the year were my teachers and I grew up under their direction.
I learned your children can keep you safe and make you a better person. Because they depended on me as their mom, I had guidelines and boundaries for myself I might not otherwise have had if not for them in my life. I was braver because they were watching me and stronger because they depended on me and clearer thinking because the moment called for no other option. They taught me to be resourceful and be both parents in the house, because you can't delegate a harder chore to someone stronger and there was no one to pass off a question to, you are all there is. We learned together that a perfect family can be just the three of us and we were stronger alone than with someone to take care of us. I learned what I felt were some of my most challenging moments supporting them back then have now become some of our favorite memories, so money does not buy happiness, your moments with them do.
I learned that being a mom you don't always have to be perfect, or strong or beautiful or healthy sometimes it's okay to let your girls be there for you. I learned you can mess up sometimes as a mom but it's important to say you are sorry and ask them to forgive you and they will respect you for it. I learned sometimes we need to rethink our opinion as parents when a child provides a sound argument as to why they should have it their way because sometimes they are right.
I rewarded good grades, committed to sports and good friends with both girls having what I called "the world" as their boundaries but let them know if they messed up even once they would have the boundaries drawn in so small it would encompass the circle my thumb and pointer finger would make when touching. Neither girl ever needed the tighter boundaries and I learned it pays to repay a child's effort with freedoms.
I learned as a mother that most parents say "no" too fast just because it is the easier path. In saying YES to simple requests that I wanted to say no too but really couldn't find a good enough reason to...that while it may be more work, more running around, more effort or sleepless nights...they respect you for understanding them and going out of your way (they know when you just "don't feel like it").
I think the most important thing I learned is to respect my girls and always try to assume the best in them...to trust them completely and leave the doubts until they proved to be real. Both girls lived up to my expectations of them.
In closing, I learned that no matter how old they get they will always be your priority, that you will always worry and that their joy doubles your joy and their sadness hurts you more than them. I learned that you can be so proud of them that your heart feels as if it will explode out of your body.
To Amanda and Sammi...my babys, my young ladies. My life. Thank you for making this part of my journey more enjoyable than I could have ever imagined.
Monday, August 10, 2009
2 sides of the forest
“You can only go halfway into the darkest forest, then you are coming out the other side.” – Chinese Proverb
I just referenced this quote with a friend and thought i would share it with the rest of you.
In our lives i think each of us has gone through periods where no matter what we do or how hard we try life situations feel as if they keep getting worse instead of better. Suddenly we find ourselves at a point where we feel we can't go any lower and the burden seems to much.
This my friends is us going halfway into the forest and reaching the center point. The center or darkest part of the forest represents the darkest point of our lives. My goal today is to have us focusing not on the darkest part, but on the way out of this forest. Remembering that once we have reached the middle or darkest part of the forest if we proceed correctly we will begin coming out the other side.
The reason i say proceed correctly is that because many people at the point where they reach the darkest deepest part of the forest they give up, they stop - unable to move forward or backward because it feels hopeless. They become lost and exist in self pitty or depression of "my life use to be", "my wealth use to be", "my career use to be", "i can't he/she left me","i can't believe this happened to me".
I am not saying it is easy to trust that even when we think we are at our lowest point we have fully reached the darkest part. But what i do know is if we want to survive and eventually see the other side of the forest and come out the other side we have no choice but to keep moving to find out. I am also not saying as we proceed past the center and out the other side there will not be some moments we find ourselves lost or circled back, closer to the darkest part of the forest again. What i am saying is that if we don't keep moving the darkness will eventually become so comfortable that we will lose ambition, motivation, and inspiration to ever make it out again.
So in summary, while much of the time our lives are spent on the outer rim of the forest we need to remember that if per chance our lives do take us through it...there are two sides...and one is a way out.
Have a great rest of your week. Debra
I just referenced this quote with a friend and thought i would share it with the rest of you.
In our lives i think each of us has gone through periods where no matter what we do or how hard we try life situations feel as if they keep getting worse instead of better. Suddenly we find ourselves at a point where we feel we can't go any lower and the burden seems to much.
This my friends is us going halfway into the forest and reaching the center point. The center or darkest part of the forest represents the darkest point of our lives. My goal today is to have us focusing not on the darkest part, but on the way out of this forest. Remembering that once we have reached the middle or darkest part of the forest if we proceed correctly we will begin coming out the other side.
The reason i say proceed correctly is that because many people at the point where they reach the darkest deepest part of the forest they give up, they stop - unable to move forward or backward because it feels hopeless. They become lost and exist in self pitty or depression of "my life use to be", "my wealth use to be", "my career use to be", "i can't he/she left me","i can't believe this happened to me".
I am not saying it is easy to trust that even when we think we are at our lowest point we have fully reached the darkest part. But what i do know is if we want to survive and eventually see the other side of the forest and come out the other side we have no choice but to keep moving to find out. I am also not saying as we proceed past the center and out the other side there will not be some moments we find ourselves lost or circled back, closer to the darkest part of the forest again. What i am saying is that if we don't keep moving the darkness will eventually become so comfortable that we will lose ambition, motivation, and inspiration to ever make it out again.
So in summary, while much of the time our lives are spent on the outer rim of the forest we need to remember that if per chance our lives do take us through it...there are two sides...and one is a way out.
Have a great rest of your week. Debra
Friday, July 17, 2009
The hundred and first blow...
In dealing with personal or business pursuits many times we give up after one or two attempts because we feel we have done our job in “trying”. We may even feel that it is just not meant to be, there is no way to get through or accomplish the task that at first glance appeared to be attainable.
I love this quote below because it speaks about perseverance during situations where the first hundred attempts may look like we have failed or made no progress. This task of continuing to push is not easy I can tell you that from personal experience in following this example below and there are times even the strongest of minds/souls feel like giving up. It is that voice in your head at the end of the day that says…”I am not sure how much longer I can do this maybe I should just give up” and then waking up in the morning knowing you have no choice but to do it again for one more day.
This mindset is not for every situation or we literally might go crazy, so in order to know when to put this into play ask yourself…”how passionate am I about this?” “how bad do I want this”? If the answer is “very passionate” and “something I must accomplish or have”…then don’t stop! As a friend of mine will tell you when he went after a job…it may take a voice mail and e-mail every week for three months being blown off each time before you wear them down enough to get the interview! Enjoy.
"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it - but all that had gone before."
-- Jacob Riis, Photographer and Journalist
I love this quote below because it speaks about perseverance during situations where the first hundred attempts may look like we have failed or made no progress. This task of continuing to push is not easy I can tell you that from personal experience in following this example below and there are times even the strongest of minds/souls feel like giving up. It is that voice in your head at the end of the day that says…”I am not sure how much longer I can do this maybe I should just give up” and then waking up in the morning knowing you have no choice but to do it again for one more day.
This mindset is not for every situation or we literally might go crazy, so in order to know when to put this into play ask yourself…”how passionate am I about this?” “how bad do I want this”? If the answer is “very passionate” and “something I must accomplish or have”…then don’t stop! As a friend of mine will tell you when he went after a job…it may take a voice mail and e-mail every week for three months being blown off each time before you wear them down enough to get the interview! Enjoy.
"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it - but all that had gone before."
-- Jacob Riis, Photographer and Journalist
Monday, November 10, 2008
Fast as you can...
"When a man wants to be with a woman, there ain't no way of getting there to fast...when you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with...you want to start...the rest of your life...fast as you can."
I have no clue who the man is that sings that song but he has totally nailed where the men in my life have fallen short. Oh they are definitely running, just not in the direction towards me (smile). I have to realize though that if I look at the situation there is really only one common denominator in wading through these men...me!
So what is it about me that attracts the men who want moments but can't run further than that? Now don't get me wrong...I love the moments i have had, but eventually here you would have thought at 47 years old I would have found one man that i connect with who might want to run to me "as fast as he can" who can't live without me. On the other hand what would I do if I saw a man running to me as fast as he could wanting the rest of my life...turn tail and run myself or stand solid and wait for the impact that he had finally arrived? I hope it will be to stand solid.
I can remember when I was first single, I was attracting only men younger than myself and never married and they were great at running until they caught you, then the run started in the other direction when they thought it might end up to be a "future". So when I realized that was most likely not a good combination for me I moved toward only dating men who had been married and have kids...but really there is no difference...a man is a man is a man is a man...they just vary in life experiences.
So now that I have this song planted in my head...I am planning on making it my guide to help weed through this process faster. For example, "there ain't no way of getting there too fast" is someone I just meet and they are very anxious to see me and then want to know when the next moment they can see me is, and the next. These are the men that will be the keepers. It's a bit about watching the actions of what men say verses what men do, it will now be easy to understand that if you can't hold their attention at first and they have no sense of urgency to see me again....I might as well move on because there is not enough of a connection. Someone who is into me will be running to me regardless of what is going on in their life and we will find moments in our busy schedules. I think if I need to define it, it would be that someone is willing to go out of their way to make sure we meet, even if it would be a sacrifice.
It's kind of like that quote by Confucius "wheresoever you go, go with all your heart". There is no middle ground in connecting with someone and knowing if you want them for the next moments of your life because your heart will have no choice but to run to them...so in "fast as you can" one way or the other...you are running in a direction.
I related it to an analogy in what it should be like when you meet someone and their energy and actions to you...if a company like Hershey has a product like a Hershey Kiss they want to role out and sell to the public, don't you think they give that sample piece of chocolate the very best flavor, the very best wrapping and the very best marketing they can? So don't you think it should be true when you meet someone that you should give them your best and let the connection and life dictate the speed rather than force one upon it? So i guess this can be meant not only for women to men but also for men to women...listen to the words they say, but always believe the action over the words...if they aren't running to you as fast as they can...they are most likely one of those samples you taste and go...great wrapping and promotion but the flavor is just not there.
Thanks for reading my rambling...just heard the song and thought...such a simple concept, yet so hard to find..a man wanting to be with this woman.
Love always, Debra
I have no clue who the man is that sings that song but he has totally nailed where the men in my life have fallen short. Oh they are definitely running, just not in the direction towards me (smile). I have to realize though that if I look at the situation there is really only one common denominator in wading through these men...me!
So what is it about me that attracts the men who want moments but can't run further than that? Now don't get me wrong...I love the moments i have had, but eventually here you would have thought at 47 years old I would have found one man that i connect with who might want to run to me "as fast as he can" who can't live without me. On the other hand what would I do if I saw a man running to me as fast as he could wanting the rest of my life...turn tail and run myself or stand solid and wait for the impact that he had finally arrived? I hope it will be to stand solid.
I can remember when I was first single, I was attracting only men younger than myself and never married and they were great at running until they caught you, then the run started in the other direction when they thought it might end up to be a "future". So when I realized that was most likely not a good combination for me I moved toward only dating men who had been married and have kids...but really there is no difference...a man is a man is a man is a man...they just vary in life experiences.
So now that I have this song planted in my head...I am planning on making it my guide to help weed through this process faster. For example, "there ain't no way of getting there too fast" is someone I just meet and they are very anxious to see me and then want to know when the next moment they can see me is, and the next. These are the men that will be the keepers. It's a bit about watching the actions of what men say verses what men do, it will now be easy to understand that if you can't hold their attention at first and they have no sense of urgency to see me again....I might as well move on because there is not enough of a connection. Someone who is into me will be running to me regardless of what is going on in their life and we will find moments in our busy schedules. I think if I need to define it, it would be that someone is willing to go out of their way to make sure we meet, even if it would be a sacrifice.
It's kind of like that quote by Confucius "wheresoever you go, go with all your heart". There is no middle ground in connecting with someone and knowing if you want them for the next moments of your life because your heart will have no choice but to run to them...so in "fast as you can" one way or the other...you are running in a direction.
I related it to an analogy in what it should be like when you meet someone and their energy and actions to you...if a company like Hershey has a product like a Hershey Kiss they want to role out and sell to the public, don't you think they give that sample piece of chocolate the very best flavor, the very best wrapping and the very best marketing they can? So don't you think it should be true when you meet someone that you should give them your best and let the connection and life dictate the speed rather than force one upon it? So i guess this can be meant not only for women to men but also for men to women...listen to the words they say, but always believe the action over the words...if they aren't running to you as fast as they can...they are most likely one of those samples you taste and go...great wrapping and promotion but the flavor is just not there.
Thanks for reading my rambling...just heard the song and thought...such a simple concept, yet so hard to find..a man wanting to be with this woman.
Love always, Debra
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Fortune cookies...can they be progressive?...
Last month I had a fortune cookie that stated..."Your wildest dream will come true". (so I quickly had to think of what that would be)
Last week I had a fortune cook that said..."You will enjoy passion but keep your independence". (now how did they know I just experienced that?)
Today (yes I had Chinese again today, no comment please I eat small portions) it said..."Someone is interested in you, keep your eyes open". (okay I will, but can you give me a bit more detail please).
So I am thinking if the theme of the fortune cookie continues then my next cookie might be something like..."turn around, he is right behind you"?
Stay tuned for next weeks update...Just having fun. Happy New Year everyone and welcome to our best year ever!
Debra
Last week I had a fortune cook that said..."You will enjoy passion but keep your independence". (now how did they know I just experienced that?)
Today (yes I had Chinese again today, no comment please I eat small portions) it said..."Someone is interested in you, keep your eyes open". (okay I will, but can you give me a bit more detail please).
So I am thinking if the theme of the fortune cookie continues then my next cookie might be something like..."turn around, he is right behind you"?
Stay tuned for next weeks update...Just having fun. Happy New Year everyone and welcome to our best year ever!
Debra
Thursday, December 6, 2007
It's all about the kiss
This Blog is focused mainly on moments that take your breath away...well what can take your breath away more consistently than one simple yet amazing kiss? Your heart and breath quicken, your body goes mysteriously weak and your mind empties of all thought except what is happening between their lips and yours. How long did your most amazing first kiss last? Or even more important once in a relationship how long did your longest kiss last?
While I know in some relationships couples will tell you that they still feel excited when their lips touch the lips of their partner even after years of being together, sadly I think for the most part for most couples, the excitement of the kiss has worn off. Sparked only when they have been away from each other for a while or what I like to refer to as “make up kissing”.
I must say one of the great things about being single over being in a relationship is that you are able to have that much wanted, much anticipated, much desired..."first kiss" over again. It begins with meeting someone you are attracted to and knowing instinctively that at some point in the evening their lips will find yours. It is the almost slow motion moment as they begin to lean into you and you have suddenly no control over your body as you feel yourself leaning in anticipating the connection.
Connection. You can tell a lot about someone through a first kiss. I have had some great first kisses in my life. First kisses that took me by surprise to those who asked permission, to those who simply announced it was time to kiss me. There have been times when that first kiss seems like it took forever to get there and times when it happens so fast, you end up knowing more about their lips than you do them as a person. Each moment, each kiss in it’s own way is fabulous if the timing is right.
Kissing is an art. The kisser cannot be overbearing or what I call the “face eaters”. They cannot be sloppy where you feel as if you just got kissed by the wet mouth of a dog. It has to be performed with feeling and thoughtfulness. I relate it maybe to an artist drawing a picture, kissing is what he sees in his mind before he begins, then slowly delivers that idea onto a canvas.
Great kissing in some ways is like a great relationship, if matched correctly becomes about give and take where both parties are equally up to the task of leading or following depending on the moment. You may take the lead for a moment and then give that lead back to the other person to explore and create.
Through kissing you can also tell how much someone is into you. If they avoid the lips you know that they are not looking for intimacy or maybe if in a relationship you have drifted apart. Doubt me? Think about it…in a relationship what is the first thing to go? The kissing. Still don't believe me...remember when you first meet someone and no matter what the age you can sit or lay and kiss them forever? Then over time the kissing becomes "hello dear how was your day" or almost an afterthought because your lips just happened to connect with theirs as you pass in the night. You have to like or enjoy someone to want to kiss them on the lips.
My personal thought...the lips are judge and gate keeper to your soul and to your heart. Remember what Julia Roberts said to Richard Gere in the movie Pretty Woman..."no kissing on the lips...too personal". Real kissing mandates a level of connecting with someone or staying connected to them that require the participants of the great kisses to be in tune with each other, connected to some degree emotionally as well as physically if even for just that moment.
I must say that without a shadow of a doubt, to describe my most amazing kissing experiences...the greatest kissers pay attention to the moment, not thinking ahead, not rushing, just experiencing as they go, taking each moment as if it were the last moment they might have with you. In other words...you know without a shadow of a doubt that you have been kissed with more than just their lips.
Okay...now that I got that out of my system and finally put it down on paper... time to go out and put my words to action and find me that next first great kiss!
Debra xoxo
While I know in some relationships couples will tell you that they still feel excited when their lips touch the lips of their partner even after years of being together, sadly I think for the most part for most couples, the excitement of the kiss has worn off. Sparked only when they have been away from each other for a while or what I like to refer to as “make up kissing”.
I must say one of the great things about being single over being in a relationship is that you are able to have that much wanted, much anticipated, much desired..."first kiss" over again. It begins with meeting someone you are attracted to and knowing instinctively that at some point in the evening their lips will find yours. It is the almost slow motion moment as they begin to lean into you and you have suddenly no control over your body as you feel yourself leaning in anticipating the connection.
Connection. You can tell a lot about someone through a first kiss. I have had some great first kisses in my life. First kisses that took me by surprise to those who asked permission, to those who simply announced it was time to kiss me. There have been times when that first kiss seems like it took forever to get there and times when it happens so fast, you end up knowing more about their lips than you do them as a person. Each moment, each kiss in it’s own way is fabulous if the timing is right.
Kissing is an art. The kisser cannot be overbearing or what I call the “face eaters”. They cannot be sloppy where you feel as if you just got kissed by the wet mouth of a dog. It has to be performed with feeling and thoughtfulness. I relate it maybe to an artist drawing a picture, kissing is what he sees in his mind before he begins, then slowly delivers that idea onto a canvas.
Great kissing in some ways is like a great relationship, if matched correctly becomes about give and take where both parties are equally up to the task of leading or following depending on the moment. You may take the lead for a moment and then give that lead back to the other person to explore and create.
Through kissing you can also tell how much someone is into you. If they avoid the lips you know that they are not looking for intimacy or maybe if in a relationship you have drifted apart. Doubt me? Think about it…in a relationship what is the first thing to go? The kissing. Still don't believe me...remember when you first meet someone and no matter what the age you can sit or lay and kiss them forever? Then over time the kissing becomes "hello dear how was your day" or almost an afterthought because your lips just happened to connect with theirs as you pass in the night. You have to like or enjoy someone to want to kiss them on the lips.
My personal thought...the lips are judge and gate keeper to your soul and to your heart. Remember what Julia Roberts said to Richard Gere in the movie Pretty Woman..."no kissing on the lips...too personal". Real kissing mandates a level of connecting with someone or staying connected to them that require the participants of the great kisses to be in tune with each other, connected to some degree emotionally as well as physically if even for just that moment.
I must say that without a shadow of a doubt, to describe my most amazing kissing experiences...the greatest kissers pay attention to the moment, not thinking ahead, not rushing, just experiencing as they go, taking each moment as if it were the last moment they might have with you. In other words...you know without a shadow of a doubt that you have been kissed with more than just their lips.
Okay...now that I got that out of my system and finally put it down on paper... time to go out and put my words to action and find me that next first great kiss!
Debra xoxo
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