Would you rather...have quality time with someone or a quantity of time?
I am asking the question because I have found too many people are focused on the wrong thing when it comes to relationships. Specifically when it comes to quantity of time spent with someone verses quality time spent with them. Having found my plus one late in life maybe I have a different view on what a great relationship focuses on because we make every moment count even though they are fewer. This can relate to you whether you are a partner, parent or friend.
Does being with someone 24/7 mean you have a strong relationship? Does not being with them for long periods of time mean you have a weak relationship? I would like to think that it is more about the quality of time you spend with the amount of time you have with each other that would be the priority. However if not, then I would choose to spend quality time over quantity, every time.
For example, would you rather have a small piece of your favorite dessert in the world, or a whole piece of one you like less? Most of us would say, if I can't have a whole piece of my favorite dessert I will settle for a smaller piece rather than a whole of one I like less. The same with relationships. In secure relationships people would choose to have less moments of quality time together over more moments of mediocre time.
Also does less time together promote the urgency for quality time because you know your time is limited? Does having more time together promote less quality time because you procrastinate on making quality time? Not always is this the case in either situation, but more often than not is my thought.
So whether you are with that partner, friend or child make your moments count. My parents would see my children maybe twice a year but the relationship they have with them is as close as some who got to see them everyday.
Don't focus on the time you don't have with them, rather make the moments you do have with them count. It is the quality moments they will remember and that will bring you closer and keep you close.
Sunday, February 4, 2018
Monday, March 18, 2013
Persistence - it's not always about holding on
“The most essential factor is persistence – the determination
never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement
that must inevitable come. – James Whitcomb Riley
I love this quote but wanted to share with you my thoughts as
someone who went out into the world blindly believing life to be one thing and
realizing along the way that while it was nothing I expected, it became
everything I needed…including a great adventure. (disclaimer: if you don’t
allow an unexpected life to dampen your spirit)
The reality is that life, other people and even you yourself
will at some point not live up to your expectations. So understanding that it
is how we handle ourselves when things don’t go as planned or well that we show
to the world and more importantly ourselves who and what we are made of. Here
is something I have discovered over time that might help you understand what I
mean.
The word Persistence or perseverance is often used by
people to mean you need to be strong enough to hold on no matter what! To
me true persistence means not only knowing when you need to be strong enough to
hold on and keep fighting for that thing, persistence means also knowing that
sometimes in life’s journey we need to be strong enough to know when to let go.
To let go in order to remain persistent in our commitment to our faith, our
self worth, our values, our character, our goals, our dreams for happiness, and
the quality of life we deserve.
I can’t say if we follow that plan tears won’t fall, your heart
won’t be broken, that life will be easy, and the answers always clear. I can
tell you it is from these life moments that are the most challenging and
uncertain that you will look back on and know they were the moments that were
even more impactful than the great ones. These are the moments along the way
that will shape your life, make you stronger, wiser, and eventually into the
woman you were meant to be.
So as you embark on this next phase of your life never lose your
energy or enthusiasm nor allow anyone to take them away from you. Remain
determined in your persistence for the things that are important to you as well
as for you.
- written today for my niece Sarah who is graduating high school this year.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself.
"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself.
You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be, will end up good; what is not, won't. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you must just move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. Always fight, until you can't anymore, and then be fought for."
Wow I wish I could give credit to who ever wrote that. This is something I need to staple to my soul! How is it when we are in the middle of the relationship we never see these incites? I know I have hung on too long, been the only one fighting, and the one hoping futility they would fight for me when when i finally gave up. I also know now looking back at those relationships i can see why they were not meant to be for a variety of reasons. The question i have is, how do you know when you have fought long enough or hard enough? for me i always think saying this one more thing will have that light bulb turning on in their head or heart and they will suddenly see our potential for greatness together or finally see me as this person they cannot live without. funny now even as i write this i can laugh at myself and say..what was i thinking? And there is the answer...I wasn't thinking, i was feeling, blind to the fact that had it been "good" i would not have been the only one fighting to make it work.
How much easier would it be to move on if we could adopt sooner in the relationship the attitude of "what was meant to be, will end up good; what is not, won't". I mean some of us out there stay even when the relationship becomes verbally or physically abusive and that is surely a "won't end up good" situation. Is there a way to separate our thinking heart from our feeling heart to see sooner what will end up good and what will not? i think as we have more relationships under out belt and narrow our playing field we can. But there is always that heart factor that can throw the best laid plans out the window.
So how do we stay committed to ourselves, fight for what we want, but know when we have reached our capacity to give more? I think for me, i most often have hung on too long, but that said, I can look back at every relationship and remember the exact moment that i knew i was done fighting and had given all that i was willing to give. I could walk away with no regrets...
I know for each of us there is someone out there that will see the greatness we can have with them in a relationship and fight for us. The challenge is, we always want it now....so mister right now becomes our project to make the right one. This is the cycle we need to stop and why we need to start being stronger for our selves!!!
Wow I wish I could give credit to who ever wrote that. This is something I need to staple to my soul! How is it when we are in the middle of the relationship we never see these incites? I know I have hung on too long, been the only one fighting, and the one hoping futility they would fight for me when when i finally gave up. I also know now looking back at those relationships i can see why they were not meant to be for a variety of reasons. The question i have is, how do you know when you have fought long enough or hard enough? for me i always think saying this one more thing will have that light bulb turning on in their head or heart and they will suddenly see our potential for greatness together or finally see me as this person they cannot live without. funny now even as i write this i can laugh at myself and say..what was i thinking? And there is the answer...I wasn't thinking, i was feeling, blind to the fact that had it been "good" i would not have been the only one fighting to make it work.
How much easier would it be to move on if we could adopt sooner in the relationship the attitude of "what was meant to be, will end up good; what is not, won't". I mean some of us out there stay even when the relationship becomes verbally or physically abusive and that is surely a "won't end up good" situation. Is there a way to separate our thinking heart from our feeling heart to see sooner what will end up good and what will not? i think as we have more relationships under out belt and narrow our playing field we can. But there is always that heart factor that can throw the best laid plans out the window.
So how do we stay committed to ourselves, fight for what we want, but know when we have reached our capacity to give more? I think for me, i most often have hung on too long, but that said, I can look back at every relationship and remember the exact moment that i knew i was done fighting and had given all that i was willing to give. I could walk away with no regrets...
I know for each of us there is someone out there that will see the greatness we can have with them in a relationship and fight for us. The challenge is, we always want it now....so mister right now becomes our project to make the right one. This is the cycle we need to stop and why we need to start being stronger for our selves!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Has it really been 2 years since i posted?
Wow, so much has happened since my last post. They always say everything comes full circle and when I last posted both girls were leaving to pursue their own lives outside of MN. As I write this both my babies are back home in Minneapolis. Amanda now lives in Minneapolis as a school teacher and she is now 25 (where has time gone) and Sammi who is now 19 is a sophomore is only 6 hours away at DePaul in Chicago and currently home for her 6 week break.
As far as me and my search for true love...I have still not found love but not for lack of trying...I think that will be my next post...
title: How many times do we put ourselves out there before we give up? Answer to follow!
As far as me and my search for true love...I have still not found love but not for lack of trying...I think that will be my next post...
title: How many times do we put ourselves out there before we give up? Answer to follow!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
What I have learned and loved as a mother...
So this is it, the final year to have both my baby girls home. It is hard to believe that in June Sammi will graduate and be going to college, Amanda will go back to Spain and i will be here officially on my own, by myself, alone, single, an empty Nestor as they say with no body to come home to except my cat Cooper, which I think will make me an old maid.
No one to pick up after, run errands for, watch play soccer, check in on while they are sleeping, cure when they are sick, worry over when they are out late or bring coffee to in the morning to wake them up.
So what have I learned and loved over the years? I learned that while challenging, I loved the rat race, the too much on my plate, the sleepless nights when i wasn't sure how we were going to make it, the scary moments they were sick or would get hurt, the priceless moments the three of us had together laughing until we cried! I loved watching them grow up and enjoyed every stage they went through still can't believe they are grown. In the early years we were the three musketeers, in the middle years we were the three woman of strength and now these final years we are just simply "the girls".
The first thing I learned is...I got lucky with them, because they are the most amazing, independent, strong, beautiful inside and out woman that I know. I also am humbled and proud to tell you that while we as parents are to be the teachers, these ladies in reality over the year were my teachers and I grew up under their direction.
I learned your children can keep you safe and make you a better person. Because they depended on me as their mom, I had guidelines and boundaries for myself I might not otherwise have had if not for them in my life. I was braver because they were watching me and stronger because they depended on me and clearer thinking because the moment called for no other option. They taught me to be resourceful and be both parents in the house, because you can't delegate a harder chore to someone stronger and there was no one to pass off a question to, you are all there is. We learned together that a perfect family can be just the three of us and we were stronger alone than with someone to take care of us. I learned what I felt were some of my most challenging moments supporting them back then have now become some of our favorite memories, so money does not buy happiness, your moments with them do.
I learned that being a mom you don't always have to be perfect, or strong or beautiful or healthy sometimes it's okay to let your girls be there for you. I learned you can mess up sometimes as a mom but it's important to say you are sorry and ask them to forgive you and they will respect you for it. I learned sometimes we need to rethink our opinion as parents when a child provides a sound argument as to why they should have it their way because sometimes they are right.
I rewarded good grades, committed to sports and good friends with both girls having what I called "the world" as their boundaries but let them know if they messed up even once they would have the boundaries drawn in so small it would encompass the circle my thumb and pointer finger would make when touching. Neither girl ever needed the tighter boundaries and I learned it pays to repay a child's effort with freedoms.
I learned as a mother that most parents say "no" too fast just because it is the easier path. In saying YES to simple requests that I wanted to say no too but really couldn't find a good enough reason to...that while it may be more work, more running around, more effort or sleepless nights...they respect you for understanding them and going out of your way (they know when you just "don't feel like it").
I think the most important thing I learned is to respect my girls and always try to assume the best in them...to trust them completely and leave the doubts until they proved to be real. Both girls lived up to my expectations of them.
In closing, I learned that no matter how old they get they will always be your priority, that you will always worry and that their joy doubles your joy and their sadness hurts you more than them. I learned that you can be so proud of them that your heart feels as if it will explode out of your body.
To Amanda and Sammi...my babys, my young ladies. My life. Thank you for making this part of my journey more enjoyable than I could have ever imagined.
No one to pick up after, run errands for, watch play soccer, check in on while they are sleeping, cure when they are sick, worry over when they are out late or bring coffee to in the morning to wake them up.
So what have I learned and loved over the years? I learned that while challenging, I loved the rat race, the too much on my plate, the sleepless nights when i wasn't sure how we were going to make it, the scary moments they were sick or would get hurt, the priceless moments the three of us had together laughing until we cried! I loved watching them grow up and enjoyed every stage they went through still can't believe they are grown. In the early years we were the three musketeers, in the middle years we were the three woman of strength and now these final years we are just simply "the girls".
The first thing I learned is...I got lucky with them, because they are the most amazing, independent, strong, beautiful inside and out woman that I know. I also am humbled and proud to tell you that while we as parents are to be the teachers, these ladies in reality over the year were my teachers and I grew up under their direction.
I learned your children can keep you safe and make you a better person. Because they depended on me as their mom, I had guidelines and boundaries for myself I might not otherwise have had if not for them in my life. I was braver because they were watching me and stronger because they depended on me and clearer thinking because the moment called for no other option. They taught me to be resourceful and be both parents in the house, because you can't delegate a harder chore to someone stronger and there was no one to pass off a question to, you are all there is. We learned together that a perfect family can be just the three of us and we were stronger alone than with someone to take care of us. I learned what I felt were some of my most challenging moments supporting them back then have now become some of our favorite memories, so money does not buy happiness, your moments with them do.
I learned that being a mom you don't always have to be perfect, or strong or beautiful or healthy sometimes it's okay to let your girls be there for you. I learned you can mess up sometimes as a mom but it's important to say you are sorry and ask them to forgive you and they will respect you for it. I learned sometimes we need to rethink our opinion as parents when a child provides a sound argument as to why they should have it their way because sometimes they are right.
I rewarded good grades, committed to sports and good friends with both girls having what I called "the world" as their boundaries but let them know if they messed up even once they would have the boundaries drawn in so small it would encompass the circle my thumb and pointer finger would make when touching. Neither girl ever needed the tighter boundaries and I learned it pays to repay a child's effort with freedoms.
I learned as a mother that most parents say "no" too fast just because it is the easier path. In saying YES to simple requests that I wanted to say no too but really couldn't find a good enough reason to...that while it may be more work, more running around, more effort or sleepless nights...they respect you for understanding them and going out of your way (they know when you just "don't feel like it").
I think the most important thing I learned is to respect my girls and always try to assume the best in them...to trust them completely and leave the doubts until they proved to be real. Both girls lived up to my expectations of them.
In closing, I learned that no matter how old they get they will always be your priority, that you will always worry and that their joy doubles your joy and their sadness hurts you more than them. I learned that you can be so proud of them that your heart feels as if it will explode out of your body.
To Amanda and Sammi...my babys, my young ladies. My life. Thank you for making this part of my journey more enjoyable than I could have ever imagined.
Monday, August 10, 2009
2 sides of the forest
“You can only go halfway into the darkest forest, then you are coming out the other side.” – Chinese Proverb
I just referenced this quote with a friend and thought i would share it with the rest of you.
In our lives i think each of us has gone through periods where no matter what we do or how hard we try life situations feel as if they keep getting worse instead of better. Suddenly we find ourselves at a point where we feel we can't go any lower and the burden seems to much.
This my friends is us going halfway into the forest and reaching the center point. The center or darkest part of the forest represents the darkest point of our lives. My goal today is to have us focusing not on the darkest part, but on the way out of this forest. Remembering that once we have reached the middle or darkest part of the forest if we proceed correctly we will begin coming out the other side.
The reason i say proceed correctly is that because many people at the point where they reach the darkest deepest part of the forest they give up, they stop - unable to move forward or backward because it feels hopeless. They become lost and exist in self pitty or depression of "my life use to be", "my wealth use to be", "my career use to be", "i can't he/she left me","i can't believe this happened to me".
I am not saying it is easy to trust that even when we think we are at our lowest point we have fully reached the darkest part. But what i do know is if we want to survive and eventually see the other side of the forest and come out the other side we have no choice but to keep moving to find out. I am also not saying as we proceed past the center and out the other side there will not be some moments we find ourselves lost or circled back, closer to the darkest part of the forest again. What i am saying is that if we don't keep moving the darkness will eventually become so comfortable that we will lose ambition, motivation, and inspiration to ever make it out again.
So in summary, while much of the time our lives are spent on the outer rim of the forest we need to remember that if per chance our lives do take us through it...there are two sides...and one is a way out.
Have a great rest of your week. Debra
I just referenced this quote with a friend and thought i would share it with the rest of you.
In our lives i think each of us has gone through periods where no matter what we do or how hard we try life situations feel as if they keep getting worse instead of better. Suddenly we find ourselves at a point where we feel we can't go any lower and the burden seems to much.
This my friends is us going halfway into the forest and reaching the center point. The center or darkest part of the forest represents the darkest point of our lives. My goal today is to have us focusing not on the darkest part, but on the way out of this forest. Remembering that once we have reached the middle or darkest part of the forest if we proceed correctly we will begin coming out the other side.
The reason i say proceed correctly is that because many people at the point where they reach the darkest deepest part of the forest they give up, they stop - unable to move forward or backward because it feels hopeless. They become lost and exist in self pitty or depression of "my life use to be", "my wealth use to be", "my career use to be", "i can't he/she left me","i can't believe this happened to me".
I am not saying it is easy to trust that even when we think we are at our lowest point we have fully reached the darkest part. But what i do know is if we want to survive and eventually see the other side of the forest and come out the other side we have no choice but to keep moving to find out. I am also not saying as we proceed past the center and out the other side there will not be some moments we find ourselves lost or circled back, closer to the darkest part of the forest again. What i am saying is that if we don't keep moving the darkness will eventually become so comfortable that we will lose ambition, motivation, and inspiration to ever make it out again.
So in summary, while much of the time our lives are spent on the outer rim of the forest we need to remember that if per chance our lives do take us through it...there are two sides...and one is a way out.
Have a great rest of your week. Debra
Friday, July 17, 2009
The hundred and first blow...
In dealing with personal or business pursuits many times we give up after one or two attempts because we feel we have done our job in “trying”. We may even feel that it is just not meant to be, there is no way to get through or accomplish the task that at first glance appeared to be attainable.
I love this quote below because it speaks about perseverance during situations where the first hundred attempts may look like we have failed or made no progress. This task of continuing to push is not easy I can tell you that from personal experience in following this example below and there are times even the strongest of minds/souls feel like giving up. It is that voice in your head at the end of the day that says…”I am not sure how much longer I can do this maybe I should just give up” and then waking up in the morning knowing you have no choice but to do it again for one more day.
This mindset is not for every situation or we literally might go crazy, so in order to know when to put this into play ask yourself…”how passionate am I about this?” “how bad do I want this”? If the answer is “very passionate” and “something I must accomplish or have”…then don’t stop! As a friend of mine will tell you when he went after a job…it may take a voice mail and e-mail every week for three months being blown off each time before you wear them down enough to get the interview! Enjoy.
"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it - but all that had gone before."
-- Jacob Riis, Photographer and Journalist
I love this quote below because it speaks about perseverance during situations where the first hundred attempts may look like we have failed or made no progress. This task of continuing to push is not easy I can tell you that from personal experience in following this example below and there are times even the strongest of minds/souls feel like giving up. It is that voice in your head at the end of the day that says…”I am not sure how much longer I can do this maybe I should just give up” and then waking up in the morning knowing you have no choice but to do it again for one more day.
This mindset is not for every situation or we literally might go crazy, so in order to know when to put this into play ask yourself…”how passionate am I about this?” “how bad do I want this”? If the answer is “very passionate” and “something I must accomplish or have”…then don’t stop! As a friend of mine will tell you when he went after a job…it may take a voice mail and e-mail every week for three months being blown off each time before you wear them down enough to get the interview! Enjoy.
"When nothing seems to help, I go and look at a stonecutter hammering away at his rock perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred and first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not that blow that did it - but all that had gone before."
-- Jacob Riis, Photographer and Journalist
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