Regardless of the risks

As I hear and read all the conflicting political views on gun control and building a wall, I can't help but reflect on the recent events of my family, where my daughter's husband, Antonio crossed the boarder illegally in his youth for a better life. As of March 1st, he has completed the long and costly process of becoming a legal resident, so I feel comfortable to share a bit about the other side of these moments we talk about and the reality we need to face.

I wonder, would a wall have kept Antonio out or would he have found another way? Regardless of the obstacles I have always had the opinion that whether for good intent or bad, those who want something bad enough will make it happen. Yes, will it deter the faint of heart, for sure. However, those are not the ones that impact the world for the good or the bad, it is the ones who will fight with everything they have to find a way. Those will be the ones who continue to create good or cause harm just as they have for hundreds of years.

Having never been in Antonio's shoes back then, I can only share what I know of him now. I am not surprised  that in all other situations he has obeyed the law, that he had the willingness to risk his life to cross the desert for days with nothing more than the contents he could fit in a backpack to start a new life. He has a determination about him of someone that has known what it's like to have had to fight for everything you have and to risk everything.  To do things in spite of his fears. Yet he is humble, gentle, kind, committed to those he loves and would do anything for you if you needed help. While yes, he crossed illegally, he is not someone who has caused harm. Once he arrived, he played by the rules. He got a driver's license legally in a state that does not require SSN, had insurance on both his car and his painting business, which he started with a tax ID and paid taxes each year as an illegal resident (yes they do accept taxes from illegal immigrants).
 
He married my daughter 4 years ago and they now have a 3 1/2 year old and 6 month old. This perfect little family where he is a wonderful father and an amazing husband to my daughter is the result of a man crossing over illegally because he could not afford the cost of the process to come legally. His willingness to cross regardless of the risks not only made his dreams happen, but now my daughters as well. Right or wrong that is a great story of someone who crosses.

These are not the stories anyone speaks of because it is easier to push our political views by sharing all the harm that has come to us from the few (but very publicized) who have used crossing the boarder or purchased weapons in order to harm others.

The reality is as I mentioned above that Regardless of the risks, roadblocks, rules, walls, people will find a way if they want it bad enough, no matter what we try to put in place to prevent it. Building walls and stronger gun control will yes deter the faint of heart, they will not deter the committed, the ones who are willing to take the risk to make it happen, whether that be for a better way of life like Antonio who is a good person and has hurt no one or someone who is driven by hate and intents to harm/kill others like the ones who are so well publicized. That is what we need to consider when creating better immigration and gun laws.

In closing I would like to share an analogy and make it more personal and hopefully open your eyes to realize that we all take risks regardless of right or wrong...texting while driving, speeding, and drunk driving are all also illegal in this country and done regardless of the risks or laws against it. These acts do more harm in America to our own country men/women/children every day than those who do harm by crossing a boarder or purchasing a gun. Yet Regardless of the risks and knowing it's illegal, it's done by good people everyday in our country, and yes, by the very same people who judge men like Antonio who has never put any life at risk other than his own.

Something to think about. 

debra

Fear he is a Liar

Zach Williams sings,  Fear he is a Liar. As I listened to the lyrics I thought how true these words are that he shares (lyrics below). At first I thought he was singing about a man to a woman/woman to a man, what a wonderful play on words. Fears can have us doubting ourselves, our relationships and our faith. Fear causes us to become defensive, shut down, or lash out at someone we love. Fear keeps us in the past instead of moving forward. It closes our ears and shuts our eyes to the truth of who we really are or have the potential to be. Fear is that voice inside us that whispers to us the impossibilities, the dangers, the challenges, the reasons of why we can't, we shouldn't, or we aren't able to.

If we lived as if fear was a liar and believed we were good enough, strong enough, that people love us just as we are, how would that change how we live our lives? If fear were a liar, would we take more chances, be braver, less critical of ourselves? Our faith says to trust Him in all things, yet so often we are held captive by the liar. Fear is liar, cast your fears in the fire. 

when he told you you're not good enough

when he told you you're not right

when he told you you're not strong enough to put up a good fight

when he told you your not worthy, when he told you your not loved

when he told you your not beautiful, you'll never be enough

fear he is a liar

he will take your breath, stop you in your steps, 

fear he is a liar

he will rob your rest, steal your happiness

cast your fear, in the fire, cause fear he is a liar 

when he told you you were troubled, you will forever be alone, 

when he told you you should run away, you'll never find a home, 

when he told you you are dirty, you should be ashamed. 

when he told you you could be the one that grace could never change

fear he is a liar

he will take your breath, stop you in your steps, 

fear he is a liar

he will rob your rest, steal your happiness

cast your fear in the fire, cause fear he is a liar 

let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears

let Your fire fall your love is all i feel 

let Your fire fall and cast out all my fears

let Your fire fall you love is all i feel

love, debra

Would you rather...

Would you rather...have quality time with someone or a quantity of time?

I am asking the question because I have found too many people are focused on the wrong thing when it comes to relationships. Specifically when it comes to quantity of time spent with someone verses quality time spent with them. Having found my plus one late in life maybe I have a different view on what a great relationship focuses on because we make every moment count even though they are fewer. This can relate to you whether you are a partner, parent or friend.

Does being with someone 24/7 mean you have a strong relationship? Does not being with them for long periods of time mean you have a weak relationship? I would like to think that it is more about the quality of time you spend with the amount of time you have with each other that would be the priority. However if not, then I would choose to spend quality time over quantity, every time.

For example, would you rather have a small piece of your favorite dessert in the world, or a whole piece of one you like less? Most of us would say, if I can't have a whole piece of my favorite dessert I will settle for a smaller piece rather than a whole of one I like less. The same with relationships. In secure relationships people would choose to have less moments of quality time together over more moments of mediocre time.

Also does less time together promote the urgency for quality time because you know your time is limited? Does having more time together promote less quality time because you procrastinate on making quality time? Not always is this the case in either situation, but more often than not is my thought.

So whether you are with that partner, friend or child make your moments count. My parents would see my children maybe twice a year but the relationship they have with them is as close as some who got to see them everyday.

Don't focus on the time you don't have with them, rather make the moments you do have with them count. It is the quality moments they will remember and that will bring you closer and keep you close.

Persistence - it's not always about holding on

“The most essential factor is persistence – the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitable come. – James Whitcomb Riley

I love this quote but wanted to share with you my thoughts as someone who went out into the world blindly believing life to be one thing and realizing along the way that while it was nothing I expected, it became everything I needed…including a great adventure. (disclaimer: if you don’t allow an unexpected life to dampen your spirit)

The reality is that life, other people and even you yourself will at some point not live up to your expectations. So understanding that it is how we handle ourselves when things don’t go as planned or well that we show to the world and more importantly ourselves who and what we are made of. Here is something I have discovered over time that might help you understand what I mean.

The word Persistence or perseverance is often used by people to mean you need to be strong enough to hold on no matter what! To me true persistence means not only knowing when you need to be strong enough to hold on and keep fighting for that thing, persistence means also knowing that sometimes in life’s journey we need to be strong enough to know when to let go. To let go in order to remain persistent in our commitment to our faith, our self worth, our values, our character, our goals, our dreams for happiness, and the quality of life we deserve.

I can’t say if we follow that plan tears won’t fall, your heart won’t be broken, that life will be easy, and the answers always clear. I can tell you it is from these life moments that are the most challenging and uncertain that you will look back on and know they were the moments that were even more impactful than the great ones. These are the moments along the way that will shape your life, make you stronger, wiser, and eventually into the woman you were meant to be.

So as you embark on this next phase of your life never lose your energy or enthusiasm nor allow anyone to take them away from you. Remain determined in your persistence for the things that are important to you as well as for you. 

- written today for my niece Sarah who is graduating high school this year.  

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself.

"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you are a good person and a good friend. What is meant to be, will end up good; what is not, won't. Relationships are worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you must just move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and don't lose something real. Always fight, until you can't anymore, and then be fought for."

Wow I wish I could give credit to who ever wrote that. This is something I need to staple to my soul! How is it when we are in the middle of the relationship we never see these incites? I know I have hung on too long, been the only one fighting, and the one hoping futility they would fight for me when when i finally gave up.  I also know now looking back at those relationships i can see why they were not meant to be for a variety of reasons. The question i have is, how do you know when you have fought long enough or hard enough? for me i always think saying this one more thing will have that light bulb turning on in their head or heart and they will suddenly see our potential for greatness together or finally see me as this person they cannot live without. funny now even as i write this i can laugh at myself and say..what was i thinking? And there is the answer...I wasn't thinking, i was feeling, blind to the fact that had it been "good" i would not have been the only one fighting to make it work.

How much easier would it be to move on if we could adopt sooner in the relationship the attitude of  "what was meant to be, will end up good; what is not, won't". I mean some of us out there stay even when the relationship becomes verbally or physically abusive and that is surely a "won't end up good" situation. Is there a way to separate our thinking heart from our feeling heart to see sooner what will end up good and what will not? i think as we have more relationships under out belt and narrow our playing field we can. But there is always that heart factor that can throw the best laid plans out the window.

So how do we stay committed to ourselves, fight for what we want, but know when we have reached our capacity to give more? I think for me, i most often have hung on too long, but that said, I can look back at every relationship and remember the exact moment that i knew i was done fighting and had given all that i was willing to give. I could walk away with no regrets...

I know for each of us there is someone out there that will see the greatness we can have with them in a relationship and fight for us. The challenge is, we always want it now....so mister right now becomes our project to make the right one. This is the cycle we need to stop and why we need to start being stronger for our selves!!!

Has it really been 2 years since i posted?

Wow, so much has happened since my last post. They always say everything comes full circle and when I last posted both girls were leaving to pursue their own lives outside of MN. As I write this both my babies are back home in Minneapolis. Amanda now lives in Minneapolis as a school teacher and she is now 25 (where has time gone) and Sammi who is now 19 is a sophomore is only 6 hours away at DePaul in Chicago and currently home for her 6 week break.
As far as me and my search for true love...I have still not found love but not for lack of trying...I think that will be my next post...
title: How many times do we put ourselves out there before we give up? Answer to follow!

What I have learned and loved as a mother...

So this is it, the final year to have both my baby girls home. It is hard to believe that in June Sammi will graduate and be going to college, Amanda will go back to Spain and i will be here officially on my own, by myself, alone, single, an empty Nestor as they say with no body to come home to except my cat Cooper, which I think will make me an old maid.

No one to pick up after, run errands for, watch play soccer, check in on while they are sleeping, cure when they are sick, worry over when they are out late or bring coffee to in the morning to wake them up.

So what have I learned and loved over the years? I learned that while challenging, I loved the rat race, the too much on my plate, the sleepless nights when i wasn't sure how we were going to make it, the scary moments they were sick or would get hurt, the priceless moments the three of us had together laughing until we cried! I loved watching them grow up and enjoyed every stage they went through still can't believe they are grown. In the early years we were the three musketeers, in the middle years we were the three woman of strength and now these final years we are just simply "the girls".

The first thing I learned is...I got lucky with them, because they are the most amazing, independent, strong, beautiful inside and out woman that I know. I also am humbled and proud to tell you that while we as parents are to be the teachers, these ladies in reality over the year were my teachers and I grew up under their direction.

I learned your children can keep you safe and make you a better person. Because they depended on me as their mom, I had guidelines and boundaries for myself I might not otherwise have had if not for them in my life. I was braver because they were watching me and stronger because they depended on me and clearer thinking because the moment called for no other option. They taught me to be resourceful and be both parents in the house, because you can't delegate a harder chore to someone stronger and there was no one to pass off a question to, you are all there is. We learned together that a perfect family can be just the three of us and we were stronger alone than with someone to take care of us. I learned what I felt were some of my most challenging moments supporting them back then have now become some of our favorite memories, so money does not buy happiness, your moments with them do.

I learned that being a mom you don't always have to be perfect, or strong or beautiful or healthy sometimes it's okay to let your girls be there for you. I learned you can mess up sometimes as a mom but it's important to say you are sorry and ask them to forgive you and they will respect you for it. I learned sometimes we need to rethink our opinion as parents when a child provides a sound argument as to why they should have it their way because sometimes they are right.

I rewarded good grades, committed to sports and good friends with both girls having what I called "the world" as their boundaries but let them know if they messed up even once they would have the boundaries drawn in so small it would encompass the circle my thumb and pointer finger would make when touching. Neither girl ever needed the tighter boundaries and I learned it pays to repay a child's effort with freedoms.

I learned as a mother that most parents say "no" too fast just because it is the easier path. In saying YES to simple requests that I wanted to say no too but really couldn't find a good enough reason to...that while it may be more work, more running around, more effort or sleepless nights...they respect you for understanding them and going out of your way (they know when you just "don't feel like it").

I think the most important thing I learned is to respect my girls and always try to assume the best in them...to trust them completely and leave the doubts until they proved to be real. Both girls lived up to my expectations of them.

In closing, I learned that no matter how old they get they will always be your priority, that you will always worry and that their joy doubles your joy and their sadness hurts you more than them. I learned that you can be so proud of them that your heart feels as if it will explode out of your body.

To Amanda and Sammi...my babys, my young ladies. My life. Thank you for making this part of my journey more enjoyable than I could have ever imagined.