Dare to Love Completely

Dare to Love Completely
That phrase was found on the inside a Dove Chocolate wrapper and was hung on my refrigerator by my daughter Amanda a few weeks ago.

I look at it now as I sit here thinking about how my life got to this point where I am 46 years old, single, have an amazing life with a very positive outlook on that life, love men, yet cannot imagine what it would feel like to be brave enough to "Dare to love completely". For loving completely would mean risking what I said I would never risk again, my heart.

I can remember being in my teens imagining what my life would be like, dreaming of the man that would come and sweep me off my feet to live happily ever after...I think there was even a white horse in my dream if I recall.

But life does not always work out as we had planned and over time as the disappointments and crushing blows to my heart continued, I began to slowly build a wall around my heart. I can remember the moment that this wall that was slowly being built over time finally went up completely. "No one will ever break my heart like this again, I will survive, I will move on, and I will protect myself" and up went the wall.

How can you be an optimist in all areas of your life, encourage others to never give up and to coach them to levels they never thought existed and yet have one area of your life that is completely untouchable, uncoachable and unbreakable? Self analyzing I would have to put the reason out there as...Trust. I think if there is one thing I am guilty of is not trusting completely, therefore I cannot love completely. For love is all about trust. If I could trust someone with my heart I could then let down that wall and love them completely. But how do you learn to trust when everything in your history says "red flag" it's never worked before why this time?

Jumping in with both feet is what I do in relationships...friends use to say Debra slow down put one foot in at a time. But that is my trick, jump in with both feet while it is amazing and exciting, test the water quickly and jump back out at the first sign of trouble, less time in, less time to get hurt, quick recovery. I also have this unusual way of watching too closely things in relationships that I think most people don't realize is even happening. Most people see and hear what they want to, not what the other person is really saying and doing or for that matter what they are not saying or not doing. They will miss a comment or action because they "want" to think this person is falling in love with them. I unfortunately have trained myself to be hypersensitive to things that are not consistent as one of the ways to protect myself.

But what if things were different, what if a connection is so strong and he was running to me, pursuing me, no red flags, where would my heart be now? What if there was a man that I was connected with on both an emotional and physical level. At what point would I trust him enough to allow him close enough to break my heart? I told a friend once that the next time I would lose my heart the man would have to be totally and utterly in love with me before I could ever trust my heart to love completely again, and I still think that is still true, but how does that work? What man out there would love a woman completely that is hesitant to love him back? None that I know for it is normally the women that fall first.

I will need to find a way however to "Dare to Love Completely"...for I believe that one day I will find someone, that I have a soul mate out there, someone that is me in male form, someone with whom I will be able to put my trust and heart into their hands completely who will be running to me and love me enough and I in turn know I can love completely that person. My challenge is that to then love them completely I will have to risk getting hurt again, something I had promised on that deck almost 5 years ago that I would never allow to happen again.

In closing, as the days go by and that candy wrapper continues to hang there starring at me, almost yelling at me to "let go Debra, dare to love completely" my goal is one day to be able to say to Amanda "You can take this down now, I learned how to love completely this man standing here in front of you. I'd like to introduce you to..."

Stay strong, keep moving, don't give up, don't give in, you need to survive

How many times have I said that to myself over the years...too many to count I can tell you that. So how do we get to the mindset that whatever the worry, challenge or heartache we are enduring, to not let it over power us into thinking that there is no way out or no way to survive it.

I am sure in our own way each of us has had sadness at some point that is so devastating we would rather have a physical wound for it would hurt less than this wound to the heart. For while physical wounds may leave scars, those scars do fade over time, and they do eventually heal. Emotional or wounds to the heart many times hang on for a lifetime and open randomly again and again leaving you thinking that indeed this pain will never be completely gone. Whether your personal moments have been the loss of a job, a divorce, a loved one getting cancer or to the most extreme the loss of a child. How do we heal from that? Time? Acceptance? No words can comfort, no time can erase, no explanation can be good enough to make that kind of pain go away or justify the situation at least to me.

So if we can't change these devastating moments in our lives, then the key is to know how to get through and survive those moments. How can we face those challenging wounds in life that cripple us emotionally. How do we find strength to get up each morning when you have just lost your reason for getting up. How do we find the courage when there feels like no hope in sight of ever recovering? I'd like to share a moment of some things that have helped me. While I am not someone that screams my faith in your face I want to share something that has comforted me in my life during times when I didn't think I had it in me to go it alone one more day. There is a song that a Christian artist wrote years ago that goes "when I think I'm going under part the waters Lord, and when I feel the waves around me calm the sea, and when I cry for help oh hear me Lord and hold out your hand, touch my life, still the raging storm in me, knowing you love me, helps me face another day..." I have sung this song since high school each and every time I feel that I am sinking under the pressures of life and not sure if I can go on. Singing that song for me is a message from me to God telling him that I am in pain, I can't do it alone and I need to find a way to get through it with Him. Have I always been accepting of what I am going through? No, sometimes when I have been angry at God for allowing a particular hardship when I would see others going their merry way who didn't even believe in a God my song would be more of "okay God you have me sinking here so what is the plan to save me cause I'm not a good swimmer to begin with". It comforts me to know that while I do not understand why God puts challenging things or devastating moments into the lives of good people he is there to help us through it. He also speaks about never giving us anything we cannot handle and while there are some times I have looked up to heaven and shouted..."really God, You think I am strong enough to handle this, can not someone else take a turn?" I know that I will make it through for if he has given me this hardship and believes in my strength to get through it, I may not like it, but there is a reason for it, now I just need to get through those "parted waters".

I have found that one breath, one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one year, until it's a lifetime...that is how we must live our lives during times of pain or when feeling we cannot go on. It is okay to be angry and even to be angry with God. It's okay to have thoughts that you are not sure as you lay down at night how you are going to make it through another day or even if you want to make it through another day because the pain seems too great to bare. That being said, my reason for writing this is to encourage you that no matter what level of challenges or pain you are going through...one thing I know for sure and I'd like you to remember is that while you may go to bed and not be sure if you can go another day...when your eyes open in the morning and there is breath left in your body...while you may not understand it now, there is a reason you are to carry on, a reason you are still here...someone out there needs you to survive for them, to get strong again, to keep moving, to not give up, and to not give in. It's in you, you just have to know when you are ready to find it...

I leave you with one of my favorite quotes on Courage: "Courage is not always the loud roar, sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says..."I will try again tomorrow".
Dedicated to a young couple who's son died in his sleep last week. My prayers are with them.
Debra

Dedicated to all women over 40...

Okay all you ladies out there over 40...I normally don't meddle in the minds of men and why they do what they do in reference to preference. However a recent "Rooney Moment" has come to my attention found in the archives of Andy Rooney's messages from 60 minutes. I thought it would be fun for those of you ladies out there that watch every day men our age opting for the younger woman. Finally we have someone who defends us.

Enjoy...

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
This is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

"As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!"

Thank you Andy...gotta love the man that defends the woman over 40. I am not sure about the pig and sausage comment though that was a bit brutal don't you think? You aren't reading this are you mom:-)?

So my dear ladies there is hope for all of us, for where there is one there are others who think this I am sure. I know they are rare but we will find them. The key is to not lose heart!

Don't Blink

Have you ever said in your life..."I will never..." and now looking back to realize had you stuck to that promise your life would not be what it is today? One of my most emphatic "I will never's" has turned into the most amazing life experience I will ever have. My "I will never..." was that I was never going to have children. Never liked to babysit, never held a baby until I was 22, never changed but one diaper until the age of 25. Little did I know that on August 11, 1986 this tiny little girl named Amanda Faith that I had just delivered would change my life. The minute they put her in my arms I knew for the first time what unconditional love was and over the years she is the one person I know loves me unconditionally back (other than my parents). Because of having her, being a mom is my favorite thing to be and one of the things I can actually say I excel at. Because of her in my life I have made better choices because I never wanted to disappoint her. Because of her I was stronger when I wanted to be weak, I kept going when I wanted to give in. I knew that my most important roll in life as a single mom was raising this girl and getting her and myself safely to her adulthood. I can remember one race when they were bumping my handle bars and I almost crashed thinking, okay this is something that is going to have to wait until Amanda is older for I cannot be killed right now:-). Over the years she taught me so much and I believe created much of who I have become today. We have always had a connection that I feel comes around maybe once in your life. I wish all parents could have this with their children, actually to even broaden that I should say I wish everyone could feel this connection with just one person. She touches my soul with her energy even as a small girl she would see inside me...when no one else could see a tiny sadness in my eyes somehow she knew and would just come and sit beside me. Some of the wisdom that has come out of her mouth I know came directly from God to me at the exact time I needed it. I have loved watching her go through all the different stages of childhood and grow into a young woman verses a child all the while sticking to my goal of getting her and myself safely to her adulthood. Because I was so focused on that I never really had time to think about an "after that". Yes you see other people's children go off to college, or marry, but not yours, that day is too far away...well guess what...Today I blinked and when my eyes opened I was at the airport dropping her off now 21 years old to study abroad for a year in Spain. Today was my hardest day in life so far for I realize she is no longer my baby, my child to raise but instead a woman that has surpassed me in so many ways that she has become my inspiration. So as I sit here with tears of sadness running down my face because I already miss her energy and presence and I am trying to turn those tears into joy for her new life she is about to embark on... I wanted to say to all of you out there that are too busy to be a parent today thinking you will be with them tomorrow, or the next day or the next week...don't blink...for when you open your eyes they will be already gone...it happens that fast and they are off on a journey without you. My dearest most amazing Amanda, thank you for the life you have given to me in an area that I never thought I would be interested in pursuing all those years ago.

How does your life mirror your life on the bike?

Analogies are often the most understood language when looking at or getting your point across the quickest...so when I ask "How does your life mirror your life on the bike?" you will see what I mean. We can begin by looking at what bike you chose to ride in life. There are those who own your leisure "get me to the grocery store, ride around the block" bikes. Their focus is on nothing more than getting them to their next destination practically and safely. Then there are those who own the higher performance bikes who whether riding technical mountain trails or sprinting down a straight-a-way on the road are looking for that next adventure that next challenge. Their bike in life is used to make sure that life is always pushing them forward, taking their talents to the extreme, they would prefer to the risk of injury if it meant overcoming that next challenge. How like life, those who want to "just make it through" and those who want to experience all of life whether that means they get "injured" in the process. Next we take a look at what you enjoy about riding the most. There are the riders that are amazing sprinters. They come into a relationship fast and furious but often times while amazing they are like that bike sprint only in it for that short time and then off recovering for the next moment. There are the endurance riders who can go for an eternity on the bike but at a constant rate making sure to conserve their energy for the long haul. They come into a relationship more cautious, looking for something long term and willing to sacrifices maybe the "intensity" of that relationship if they know it will take them through long term. Hill climbers...love the challenges of making it through what others often hate to attempt, they see the hill and gain strength by attacking it head on while most would prefer to find a way around the hill or shift into something light that will allow them to eventually get to the top without getting off their bike. We have those riders that fly down the hills with no breaks willing to go fast in spite of their fear or risks of getting hurt. Then we have those that need to keep that break on and ease their way down for they cannot let go of that fear of falling. How about life and the different races we choose? Crits. can be thought of as our lives in constant repeat, some continue to make the same mistakes or choices even though they have been already around once to know the course. While some learn and improve each time because they have paid attention to each straight a way and each turn. How about we move onto how you ride with fellow team mates or friends. Are you willing to be that support and throw someone into the limelight all the while knowing you could have nailed that race. Are you willing to slow your pace down and make what was suppose to be a training ride into a recovery for someone less talented than yourself? For that matter, can you completely stay off the bike for a weekend, month or maybe lifetime if someone in your life needed that to be a sacrifice for them. We also could ask the question in life...why do you ride at all? Is it for the love of it, where every time you get on the bike you feel like you are home? Is it for the competition where without the ability to win and compete it would hold no interest and you would be onto that next thing. Or is it for both, where you know it is something you can enjoy forever, knowing at different points of your life there will be the need to compete and then there will be years where the only reason you ride is to just enjoy the fact that you are doing something you love. My final thought to you as it relates to the bike is...when was the last time you impacted another rider to inspire, motivate, lead and yes sometimes allow them to take the lead in your life. We often on the bike as well as in life feel that if we are not leading we are not in control, I am not speaking about recovering in the draft, I am speaking about always being in control...some of my most impactful moments in life even though I am a control freak like the rest...is when I have allowed someone else to be stronger, take control and guide me through that next moment. Enjoy the ride, all aspects all experiences and remember...just as a small adjustment in gears can create a different experience or performance...so can a moment so small that passes through your life...don't miss it because you are focused on the end result of the ride.

Gathering your moments

I have a friend Lou who has a blog about cycling which is his passion so I thought I would open one on mine...getting people to understand that life is filled with many amazing adventures if you pay attention to the moments. Good or bad, wanted or not, they come suddenly and impact our lives. What we do with that moment going forward is what creates our next adventure.

So what are the moments that take your breath away? Can you number them on one hand or do you need more fingers and then even some toes? When was the last breathtaking moment in your life?

I thought it would be interesting to see who in life has specific breathtaking moments. How did it happen? Did you know it would happen in your life and that it was only a matter of time? Who has been completely laid out because they never expected the moment would happen to them? Finally who is still waiting for that one amazing moment to arrive?

Do we limit ourselves because our expectations of those moments are too high or maybe there have been potential moments and because we were not paying attention we missed it? For example some can see a beautiful sunset over an ocean or mountain top and the shear magnitude takes your breath away as you watch it slowly vanish into someone else's sunrise. Yet standing right next to you can be someone else looking at that same sunset who only sees it as the end of another day and the beginning of darkness.

I realize there are different levels of moments that take our breath away. There are the sunset moments, the birth of a child moments, that moment of that first kiss or first win in a big race. There are the "I almost lost you today" moments where after catching your breath you realize life and that loved one can never be taken for granted. Then there are the ever spoken and debated about "soulmate" moments where the connection on every level is so strong you find yourself not even realizing you are not breathing.

And finally a quote of whom I cannot recall the author that goes something like "It is not the number of moments in life that we will remember but the number of moments that take our breath away"

So as I close this very first blog posting I guess I am asking myself and everyone...what am I doing today to create and be ready for moments that take my breath away? In fact and even better question...when was the last time you and I did something so amazing or special for someone that they can list here "you or I were their breathtaking moment".

Debra